HaHa :) The "GirlFriend" Problem

I am very happy today..

Yesterday, miracles happened. And i am the one who Rationally Believes in Miracles :)

Things so beautiful are happening to me....that if i tell them to everyone.....

Very few(or no one !) will believe them becoz they are above the understanding of the Human mind...

and we, the so called educated people have trained our minds in such a cunning way, that we very cunningly judge "miracles" as "co-incidences" and make our life more n more boring.

Yes! its we who make our life boring....

and i m trying to get out of it...

First and Foremost..

I would like to Thank Her for coming in my life..

To show me, what that feeling,(i will not name it, becoz it goes as soon as one names it),

which everyone longs for,

which fills your life with radiance

and which makes you feel that you are still alive

and that god still loves u....

which makes u a more mature and caring person...

to gift me that feeling...

Thank You. Rain.For being here.

Now. The "Girl-Friend Problem".

I got feelings for a girl at a very small age.I had my first crush in probably 6th standard, on my classmate.She was the one who made me realize that there is something so beautiful called......."love".She left away this city bcoz here father got transferred.She never liked me.

Then in 8th standard, this beautiful classmate of mine, so caring, so lovely, so wonderful.....who gave me all beautiful advices, who enjoyed my silly jokes, who withstood bravely all the punishments with me, who tolerated all my mood swings, who had such a beautiful face that i still remember it clearly,who had a heart of gold to pardon me again and again.....

Who gave me this same feeling which i am having Now..

I would like to apologize her...

It was ALL becoz of Adolescence dear....

A boy getting older...

and a boy who can't control himself..

Anyway, I lost her. One of the biggest mistake of my life.

Why i am telling u all these things, is becoz i NEVER remember i got this thought of making them my "Girl-Friend". Yes. of course. amongst friends we used to call them as

"Teri waali- Meri waali" but i never got this urge to make them "Girl-Friends"...they actually WERE my girl-friends Then!!!

then the things got Really messed up in the 10th standard.I got intensely physically attracted towards a junior and

it was only then that i got this thought that i should HAVE HER, POSSESS HER,OWN HER.That i should make her my Girlfriend.

Then i used all the means to own her...by hook or crook, i wanted her badly.

i used every means to win her..

goodness, crookedness, manipulation, force, fight,lies, harassment everything one does.

I was very very ambitious then..

unable to control myself..

And finally i won her in January that year of my 10th Standard.

We went physical in February. Not much physical. but to a certain extent.

It just happened naturally.On its own.Just 2 adolescent human beings attracted towards each other.

Until now, very few people knew it.

Now i am making it public.

Becoz i am starting to break everything now.

I m starting to break the Cocoon.

Because i have to fly.And i cant fly with burdens.

In march we had the board exams.

In april both of us again came in contact and a little bit more closer.

But nothing serious happened then.

And i was still in an illusion that i have found "Love" and i used to sing romantic songs the whole day and see romantic movies and but never got this feeling which i m having now, if i am true to myself. The mind at the time when i had a girl-Friend was FULL of Doubts about her faithfulness, Anxieties, Worries and other tensions which exist in all the relationships which the Human being DELIBERATELY Enter into....This GF-BF relationship, if made DELIBERATELY, is a living HELL..i m telling you.

we broke up in May.Following a series of things which i came to know about her, which were unexpected to me and it became impossible to be with her.

This was bound to happen.Becoz the relationship was purely physical, it was bound to happen.

Eleventh and twelfth standard were spent studying and thinking about crushes(total 5.which i consciously remember and unconsciously i dont remember the number.)

I knew that 4 of them thought that i was a complete Jerk. and one of them NEVER DISCOVERED me out!!

The BE first year was spent in efforts to make music my GF...and i failed here too...Becoz it was also an illusion.In BE second year, when i came close to one of my crushes of the 12th standard, when i spoke to her, or saw her speaking to people, i realized the Truth about Crushes. They are just illusion. I just couldn't believe that that girl was so immature, childish.....Or she wasn't made for me...and i lived day dreaming about her for 3 years!!!

I lost all the hope then. having lived in an illusion for such a long time and known the truth about the relationship based on physical attraction and crushes based on facial beauty...i decided to do some other things in life....Read, make friends, start something new....and i succeeded in it.

Even then i was attracted to some girls in the college, i never took them seriously.

In the college i enjoyed seeing my friends waiting at the bike stand for hours to just get a look at their crushes, talk about the love affairs of the college students, seniors and juniors, transfer photos of lovely seniors, taken in the girls hostel, transferred to each other via bluetooth..and see every girl which passed by, make comments...i just really enjoyed seeing them..

Sometimes when the girl i was interested in would pass, these friends would make series of grunts, noises and songs that the girl would feel ashame to death, killing all the possibilities that something good will happen between both of you. And this silly thing, they did to everyone.

Just like those who cant get food will curse others trying to get it.

But i never got this urge to HAVE A Girl-Friend in these four years.

Yes. there was a desire. every1 has. that there should be some beautiful person in your life, to whom u can give all the goodness u have..yes i had this desire, but never went mad for it..i just waited...

Boys like to Possess.And Girls Like being Possessed.

My problem is that i have realized , learnt from my past, read and hence inferred...

that..

"U Really Cannot Possess Anyone"

A husband cannot possess a wife...

A father cannot possess a child...

and a boy who wants to be a "boyfriend" and a girl who wants to be a "girlfriend" cannot Possess each other.

If You Possess, the freedom gets killed, the love dies right there and what is left behind , is a corpse called relationship, and then u mummify this relationship with all doubts and anxieties and other things. u try to enliven it. but it is dead already.

This i have learnt.

So that day...there was a huge Misunderstanding between Rain and me....

Means i created this misunderstanding...

I tried to manipulate the relationship as i did it once before..

I told her" Mi tula Patavto..."......(such a useless,silly, hopeless thing to say. I would have killed myself if she would not have been positive..becoz I passed through such a misery for 3-4 days that i just couldnt bear it.)

But it was just the old Myself returning to me..

and i hope it never returns again.

I hate manipulations.

I love the things to get on their own.Like the flowing River. Spontaneously.

And one thing is clear. That i dont WANT TO MAKE RAIN my Girl-Friend.

The relationship is very beautiful as its Now..

And she too thinks that we are "just friends"

So thats OK with me.....

I have the full freedom to have whatever feelings i have for her... Because they are very beautiful

Thank you for reading this.

All is well now.