My Reason to begin

The need to express my thoughts and feelings have grown so much tremendous these days that i just can't resist writing a blog. i m not a regular writer, nor i m good at english.Yet now i sit at 1.15am, (very rarely do i stay awake so long, i usually sleep by 10pm) bcoz i m just unable to sleep. this whole week i have been bedridden. i have got viral fever, body ache, dysentry, vomitting, complete loss of apetite. anyway i got just lot of time to think over things.

i realized that i have changed. and this has been an active process. i have witnesssed it. and m proud of it. it is not an achievement to be proud of but yet i feel i m a human being now. that i have a respect for life. that i can understand people now, at least i m able to breathe in this suffocating murderous world.

BDCOE, Sewagram is a dead college. The institution is a graveyard where the ghosts of lecturers do a thing they call "teach" to the young half-murdered hearts. they teach death. and thats expected because they were murdered too. not only this institution, but my school, the college, and this whole society were all the places where they taught death. people were intelligent enough to learn to die. to die to their desires, the things we want, actually want to do. laugh, jump, hug each other, read to lots of books, cook ,play a guitar, watch the birds flying high, listen to thier beautiful voices and see a beautiful sunset with a friend with your head resting on her shoulder, hands in hands.

the real problem started when i started dreaming of all these things. my friends were dreaming of good colleges for graduation, my father was dreaming of getting me an admission to the medical institution in which he worked, many people were dreaming many things, many weren't dreaming anything. this all started in the summer of 2007, when i went to the ali coaching classes, (the mass murdering institute, a certified institution of performing a mass mental rape of students and preparing for a BIG death for the rest of their lives.) people were thinking of marks scores. the REAL problem started right there. i didnt think of any of these things. i was thinking of learning violin because i fell in love with it. while my friends were doing hard study there what i was doing was playing my flute all the day, eating and sleeping. this was the beginning. this has caused a great torrent in my life. i have stopped studying and doing such idiot things from that very day. i havent studied any academic thing in these last 3 years and i have survived a fresh mind. a mind that has gained the ability to see the things as they are in reality.

now it becomes a problem for others when you start seeing things in the right way and express them. i have always been expressive. i rarely hold back things. angers, fears, weaknesses, abuses(the worst of them), feelings and all the other things. since childhood i have been expressing things the way i have seen them. from my 10 years of age upto my 12th standard i have been expressing all the ugly things. or say expressing things in an ugly manner. things are as they are. they simply exist. we express, modulate, speculate them according to our conditioning and our capacity to see them. but now i project things the way they are. and this has become a problem for my parents, the authorities of the institution i work in and in such a way for me too.

and that is why when i do things like forming the FRIENDS BOOK CLUB( its story is very interesting, i'll surely write about it) for rekindling my own life and the life of my dead college students i have to face tremendous outward pressure. and many such little things which i want to do to feel the life in me like laying in the lawn looking at the plants and flowers, or to stop studying, taking a drop just to go and roam the indian countryside, i have to face tremendous pressure.

NOBODY talks about LIFE here. i wonder that is EVERYBODY DEAD? we are human beings, we need to talk to each other, we need a companion, to share our feelings, to fulfil our necessities both physical and mental, or else it becomes impossible to exist in this boring dead society. we have to survive and not just survive but LIVE. i have write this whole thing becoz i have a hope that some person out there is just looking for a person to LIVE a beautiful LIFE. AND YES, THAT's what i m concerned about. to LIVE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE. at any cost.i m waiting for that person to reach me.

"I am waiting for you dear."